Computer Jokes

You've been programming too long when

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits. When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause. When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page. When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets" When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number. When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want. When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one. When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal. When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

 

Dear Ann Landers, 

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. 

My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Australian.

My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana, distribution of Cocaine, as well as Heroin.

They are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland. 

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand center on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. 

We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the Madam. 

I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin. 

My problem is this: I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. 

So, how should I tell her about my brother-in-law being employed by Microsoft?

 

Buy a Mac

I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.  I was against it and an argument started.  I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.  He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?" And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."

 

Complaint Letter

An allegedly real-life customer complaint letter sent to the NTL complaints dept.. Dear Cretins I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:  My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how?  I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived... A total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%... these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were crap, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a small measure of bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees. Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

 

Computer Acronyms

PCMCIA  People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms ISDN It Still Does Nothing APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity SCSI System Can't See It DOS Defective Operating System BASICBill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control IBM I Blame Microsoft DEC Do Expect Cuts CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months OS/2  Obsolete Soon, Too. WWW  World Wide Wait MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs PENTIUM  Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language AMIGA A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction LISP  Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System GIRO Garbage In Rubbish Out MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for) Fools (&) Teenagers.

 

Give a Man a Fish

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to use the Internet, and he won’t bother you for weeks!

 

GM Like Computer Industry

At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:  "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got1,000 miles to the gallon." General Motors has issued a press release stating: 1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car XP" or "Car 2000". But then you would have to buy more seats. 6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5% of the roads. 7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off. 10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna. 11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the justice dept. 12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to  drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 13. You would press the "start " button to shut off the engine.

 

Heaven And Hell

In Heaven: The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss. In Hell: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian. In Computer Heaven: The management is from Intel, The design and construction is done by Apple, The marketing is done by Microsoft, IBM provides the support, Gateway determines the pricing. In Computer Hell: The management is from Apple, Microsoft does design and construction, IBM handles the marketing, The support is from Gateway, Intel sets the price.

 

New Viruses on the loose!

Oprah Winfrey virus:  Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB. AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. MCI virus:  Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.  Politically Correct virus:  Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."  Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:  Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.  Government Economist virus:  Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. New World Order virus:  Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. Federal Bureaucrat virus:  Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.  Texas virus:  Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. Adam and Eve virus:  Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Congressional virus:  The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. Airline virus:  You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore. Freudian virus:  Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard. Public Television virus:  Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money. Elvis virus:  Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. Nike virus:  Just does it.  Congressional virus #2:  Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything. Star Trek virus:  Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before. Health Care virus:  Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

 

 

Afterlife of Bill Gates

One day Bill Gates died and went to heaven.  When he got there he met God.  God said "Where do you want to go Heaven or Hell?" Bill Gates said, "Can I have a look at them first?"  So God showed him Heaven and there were all people in white drinking wine a playing harps and all the walls were white.  Next God took him to Hell. Bill Gates saw a beautiful beach with gorgeous women in colorful bikinis, all the iced beer a person could drink and everyone was splashing in the water and having fun.  Bill Gates choose Hell.  A few weeks later God went to visit Bill in Hell where he was to tied to a rock and the devils were surronding him and he screamed to God: "When you let me look at Hell, it was full of gorgeous women, iced beer and fun. What happened??!!?"  God replied, "Oh that? It was only a demo".

 

Bill Gates in Heaven 2

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house, a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court.  Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.  One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.  "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"  "Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."  "Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.  "No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."  Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter. Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!"  "Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."